Birmingham - Mayhem in the Midlands

Your weekend, day by day

1. 1

   Day 1

   

   Paintballing

   From about 10:00 · 1 hour

   Urban paintball. Sober, and first thing, so the rest of the day can follow.

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   Woodland paintball sites are outside the city, so allow for travel each way. The usual half-day runs about three hours across several themed zones, with 100 paintballs each and more for sale on the day. It is generally weekends only, with winter starts at 9am or noon and summer starts at 10am or 2pm. One site will not let cars park with fewer than four people inside, so share cars or book a minibus. Wear boots with ankle support. A close-quarters version in a semi-indoor maze runs just outside the centre.

   A half-day is usually five or six game zones, played in teams with a marshal calling each game: attack and defend, capture the flag, and a last-man-standing finish. You are issued overalls, a mask, a marker and a set number of paintballs, with more available on the day.

   Hits sting and leave bruises for a few days. That is well understood but worth saying to anyone who has not played.

   Wear old clothes under the overalls, a hoodie helps, and boots or old trainers. Nothing white. Bring a change of clothes.

   

   Group dinner & restaurant

   From about 13:30 · 2 hours

   Used for the smokehouse-style lunch rather than an evening dinner.

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   Group dining in Birmingham works best close to where the night goes next: the canalside around Brindleyplace and Broad Street, or John Bright Street, a few minutes' walk from New Street station. Reserved tables are standard, and larger groups are usually asked to pre-order. Sharing formats such as pizza with a cider tasting board keep a big table simple and quick. If the night is on Broad Street, eat on that side of the centre and walk on rather than crossing town.

   A restaurant taking a large group will usually want a set menu, a deposit and final numbers a few days ahead. That is normal and it works in your favour: the food comes out together and the bill is per head rather than an hour of arithmetic.

   Tell them about allergies and anyone who does not eat meat when you confirm the numbers, not on the night.

   Dress code is the restaurant's. If you are heading to a club afterwards, dress for the club, because the restaurant is the softer door.

   

   Comedy club

   From about 19:30 · 3 hours

   Comedy club night. Arrive for the doors so the group sits together.

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   Birmingham's main comedy club runs a fresh line-up every night with acts from the national circuit. Entry is from 6.45pm, seats are reserved and the show runs about two hours 45 minutes, so eat beforehand or book a late table. Some packages include a drink each. For something built around the stag, a comedian can host an hour-long mock courtroom roast in a hired room, using stories you send in advance. Send them early, because the roast is only as good as the material.

   The night runs a couple of hours in two halves, with a compere linking three or four stand-ups. Drinks are served at the table between acts at most clubs, and there is usually a bar afterwards.

   A stag group at the front will be found out by the compere within the first two minutes. Sit further back if that is going to ruin somebody's night.

   Smart-casual. Get there for the doors rather than the start time, because seating is often unreserved and a late group ends up split up.

   

   Club entry, VIP & booths

   From about 22:30 · 3 hours

   VIP club package for the rest of the night.

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   Most of Birmingham's late venues sit on or just off Broad Street, with a second cluster around Temple Street in the centre. Guest-list entry usually has to be used before 11pm, and a couple of bars close the list at 10pm, so plan dinner to finish in time. Smart casual is the standard door code. Table and booth packages cap at around 20 people, and the reserved area is a base rather than a seat for everyone, so a big group books two. The busiest Broad Street bars trade until 3am at weekends.

   Standard entry gets the group past the queue on a guest list, which matters because large male groups are the first ones a door turns away. A booth adds a reserved table, a set number of bottles with mixers and a host who looks after the table.

   Booths are sold on a minimum spend rather than a flat fee at many clubs, so the bottles you order count towards it. Ask what the minimum is and what it includes before you agree to anything.

   Dress code is enforced hard on stag groups. No sportswear, no trainers at some doors, no matching shirts, and nobody visibly drunk gets in regardless of the booking.